Here We Go Again
by Balandria
Summary: First attempt at a songfic. Went pretty well. SessInu fic to the song Here We Go Again by Paramore.


_And here we go again..._

To feel your hands brush my skin, even in the chastest of touches sent a thrill down my spine to the tip of my toes.

Your voice was like a melody to me -- I could get lost in the sound of it. You were so kind -- even if I wasn't listening, you were indulgent and amused by how easily entranced I was. Or maybe you're just special.

_With all the things we said _

_And not a minute spent_

_To think that we'd regret..._

I loved you with all my heart -- as much as I think a person can manage. My very being melted and submitted once I saw you with your hidden smile, underneath your mask, meant only for me. I knew you that well, I was able to read you that well, you loved me, too.

You told me a fair amount of times -- but it wasn't your words that convinced me, it was your eyes.

_So we just take it back_

_These words and hold our breath_

_Forget_

_The things we swore we meant._

But maybe I should have taken your words seriously. Maybe I was too busy listening to the sweet tones of your voice as you talked and not the content. Maybe I wasn't watching your eyes as much as I thought I was. But I don't see that hidden smile anymore, no warmth in your eyes, and I'm not so sure anymore that it's a mask. Maybe it was all real. Maybe I'm delusional.

Are we supposed to hate each other now? We...we didn't and would never have worked out, you said. I felt so broken, so lost, you were my life. The only thing I thought was right; I know it's so cliché to say so, it makes love sound so generic like I've found that line in one of those drifting litanies and prose. Something so easily duplicated and made false.

But what we had was real -- at least to me. I can believe that much can't I? Sometimes, I think you can see behind _my_ mask sometimes, the few times we actually cross paths.

It doesn't matter, though. When you left, I agreed. It wasn't working out, apparently, as I spoke. Honestly, I don't know what went wrong. I wish I paid more attention.

_And I'll write you just to let you know_

_That I'm alright..._

I can't see why you care enough. No love, no compassion, no warmth left in that gaze of yours. Is it your responsibility to me; an obligation of who I am and not what we were? If so, I'd rather you leave me alone, then demand reports for false reasoning.

_Can't say I'm sad to see you go_

_'Cause I'm not..._

I wonder if it's hypocritical of me to say that I hate you now. I do.

When I see your face, I see red. I wonder why -- my whole life you have always invoked such passionate feelings out of me, whether it be love or hate, you always make me act so strange.

But I do hate you. Not because of how we aren't together. That's petty, and I have at least a little self-respect to not fall so low to hate you for doing what felt right to you.

Maybe it's because I was wrong all these years when I thought I saw something behind the frown and ice and poison. Maybe I'm delusional.

I think I hate you.

_Well, I'm not._

I really do.

I don't want you to find me anymore. It makes me on edge. Wherever I go, I always try to survey the area, every second of every minute of every day just waiting to see if you'll appear out of no where, wanting to find me alive for your stupid little obligation.

_And here we go again_

_With all the things we did_

_And now I'm wondering_

_Just who would I have been_

_To be the one attached_

_At all times to your hip..._

I apologize for staying with you for so long. I don't like to apologize much, but for you I can do it sincerely. I apologize for loving you -- or at least imagining love. Now, I realize that I was infatuated with you. Lust and love can be so confused sometimes.

Maybe I'm delusional -- or maybe I didn't really even care.

_Forget_

_The things we swore we meant._

For a moment of peace, I'd gladly give up my memories of you.

Anything just to get the images of us when we kissed and touched. I thought that every brush of skin was so loving and gentle. I thought that I loved you.

I guess that I was wrong.

_I'll write you just to let you know_

_That I'm alright..._

But I'll still tell you how I am -- I'll still seek you out for this reason.

I owe you that, don't I? Or maybe it's the other way around.

Maybe I owe you nothing.

I'm so confused sometimes.

But I know that I hate you.

I _know_.

_Can't say that I'm sad to see you go..._

And it feels so good when I hurt you -- oh, our hatred has evolved into something so complex that I can't remember you ever touching me in a pseudo-loving manner. I can only remember your claws biting through my flesh, and the blood. I can't remember anything, and for that, I'm glad.

It sickens me now, when I think of what we used to be. So wrong, so false, and I hate you more than ever.

_Well, I'm not..._

Don't count on any more of those "reports". I'm so done with the lies I've had to live through because of you. I have people who actually care about me, now. Don't worry about your "responsibility" to me or your "obligations". I've always been able to fend for myself, and now I have more people to protect me.

I don't need you.

I _hate_ you.

I can't wait till the day your death is caused by these claws, these fangs; I won't kill you with my sword. It's too precious, and honestly, you aren't worthy.

_Here we go again_

_With all the things we said..._

I find myself in the forest, pressed harshly against a tree, claws gripping my wrists so tightly, poison oozing into my blood. "Little brother," you hiss.

I cringe. I don't want you to call me that. But it's better than the alternative. I _never_ want to hear you say my name again. Not even after the day I die, will you ever be permitted to say my name. No matter what world and what form, I'll just find another way to destroy you again.

"Sesshoumaru." I growl back, trying very desperately to ignore the poison. It was killing me so slowly, so unsympathetically. Just like you. "Get the hell away from me."

You ignore my demand, and close the gap between us, danger flashing in your yellow eyes that resemble mine so closely. "Why have you not contacted me, little brother? I had noticed you changing long ago, but I cannot stand for it any longer."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" I ask incredulously.

"I'll not have you ignoring me and my wishes while you run around with your humans, the _whores_, and those little brat children. I won't let you anymore." It was this look -- this _glare_ -- that always made me fear you, but I've grown up now.

"You won't _let_ me?!" I yell. "And who the fuck are you to tell me what I can and cannot do?!"

"You're my _property_." You ground out, and I hate how musical your voice sounds, even when you're pissed off.

"_Property_?!" I scream, the loudest yet, so offended that I could barely think straight. "I am no one's property, and especially not _yours_, you bastard--" I struggle once more. "--and let me go, dammit!"

"No." You whispered menacingly. "I don't care what you think, because, _you are mine_. No one is allowed to touch you, hurt you, _kill_ you, except for me. And look at you; you've become quite the slut, sleeping around with human women."

"I have not!" I yell back. "I've only slept with two! And that's because I _love_ them. A concept _you_ would _never_ understand."

You raise your eyebrows. "I don't understand love, little brother?"

Oh, no, please, no, please _god_ no! "Let go of me, Sesshoumaru!"

"I don't understand love..." you give a short laugh."Then what is it that we have, Inu~yasha." You say in a sing-song voice and I want to either cry or vomit.

"Sh-shut up. We have nothing going on, okay? You made that clear to me a long time ago." I struggle more, the poison claws digging in more until they hit bone, like they had always been there, but I couldn't feel the effects of the poison any longer.

"Inuyasha..." you sigh and shake your head before you smile, and I'm still weighing my options of crying or puking. "Oh, Inuyasha."

"Fuck you, Sesshoumaru, just leave me the hell alone!" I cry, finally noticing that hot tears are rolling down my cheeks and I'm flushing from embarrassment, thinking that I'd never ever embarrass myself in front of you like this again, but I have. And I just want to hide, run away, and never come back to the open world.

I hate you so much, brother.

You wipe my tears away and I hate how the touch of your skin leaves hot trails in your wake when it moves away to catch the tears on my other cheek. I hate how loving it feels. I thought that I'd gotten rid of the images but they all flood back to me and I'm aware that the tears are still flowing.

I thought I was stronger than this.

The only time I'd cried since I'd left you, was when I thought Kagome had died and that was it. So many years down the drain because you decided to toy with me.

"Inuyasha," you murmur, brushing your lips under my eyelid to lick the tears away and I want to shred you limb from limb.

"I hate you, Sesshoumaru." I croak. "So fucking much. Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"Because I _can't_."

Obligations.

"Because I don't _want_ to."

Responsibilities.

"Because I _love_ you..."

Then your lips crash down on mine and I wonder how there could be such a fine line between love and hate when I start to kiss back.

_And not a minute spent_

_To think that we'd regret_

_So we just take it back... _


End file.
